I think I missed menopause. I keep waiting to be attacked by a myriad of horrific symptoms, but other than sweating like a skewered pig at night and blowing up like a tic from time to time, I honestly think I dodged the bullet. Not wanting to feel cheated out of a perfectly normal stage of life, I did some investigating, because if I haven’t had it yet, I need to be educated on what I am bitching about.

 I mean every other commercial on television is advertising wonder cures for the debilitating symptoms of menopause. Is it lethal? I’m also curious as to how women have survived over the generations without these treatments and cures. Symptoms: besides hot flashes, atherosclerosis (whatever that is), and headaches, I noticed that some women even have cold flashes. If only the hot flashes were followed by the cold flashes or visa versa, they could cancel each other out and there would be two less symptoms to worry about.

Joint pain, muscle pain, and back pain are mentioned in the long list of symptoms. That being the case, I started menopause early, like at about twenty-three, when the ex and I were building the house, and it has since continued to this day. Is there some way to differentiate between menopausal pains and plain old pains? Should I have made a list?

Skin problems in menopause include breast atrophy, skin thinning, decreased elasticity, and the feeling of pins and needles or ants crawling under the skin. Hmmm. With tongue in cheek, I might have experienced a bit of breast atrophy, but I thought that was just from lack of use. Every woman goes from an A, B, C, or D cup to an L cup for long. I didn’t know there was a pill for that! What’s this skin thinning thing? And, come on people, men have these symptoms too, like decreased elasticity. Some of those muscle men are going to need a bra when their boobs droop, so don’t throw that one in there.

Oh, and that ant crawling up my leg must have been a hallucination. Are hallucinations another symptom of menopause? More symptons include but are not limited to: mood disturbance, irritability, fatigue, memory loss, depression, anxiety, sleep disturbance and insomnia. Well now, where to start? Let’s throw them all out there and see what the cat laps up. That would be my scourge of the day. Show me any woman who denies having any one of these at some period in her life and I will show you a woman in severe denial.

Again, who knew? Apparently when I experienced these pre-menopause, I was just being crotchety, but once I hit 50, you mean I HAD AN EXCUSE? Golly, I wish I had known. There are some fascinating and well thought out solutions that panels of doctors and scientists have come up with for us physically and emotionally pained women, bravely suffering in silence. Hot flashes can be eased by wearing layered clothing! Sip cool drinks and use ice packs! Relaxation and deep breathing exercises can reduce hot flashes by as much as 40%! Don’t take a hot bath or shower before bed!

I gotta tell ya, if we women need someone with half an alphabet connected to their name to tell us this, we need a lot more help than an ice pack and a cold shower. Vitamin E and soy have some debatable results. According to one study, women gobbling up 60 grams of soy had a 45% reduction in hot flashes… after 12 weeks. Hell, they’re probably not only over the hot flash by then, but possibly menopause too.

Exercise is also a biggie, but we all know that ain’t gonna happen for me. Of course there are lots of prescription drugs, acupuncture, yoga, herbs, and creams, my all time favorite being yak cream. I bought some once just to prove to my sister there was such a thing. I never used it because I couldn’t get the mental image of an old female yak out of my mind, singing yakkity yak, don’t come back.

I understand that menopause is a problem for a lot of women, and there are some who experience severe physical and emotional problems at this time in their lives. The indeed should seek medical attention, and deserve support and understanding. For the rest, if we could weed out the hypochondriacs, the whiners, and the loons marginalizing the real victims, we’d be left with a vast majority of women who do what we usually do-run an ice cold beer across our foreheads and suck it up.