You can’t throw a cat these days without hitting a health store. I’m all for trying to make a buck, but does anyone but me feel as though some of the stuff they sell is a little over the top? I strolled in a natural foods and supplemental vitamin store a while ago just to escape the teeny-bopper crowd at the mall. Feeling a little self-conscious by just standing there, I began to browse through the aisles and aisles of products. I thought I’d better buy something so I searched for a little bottle of vitamin C.
Pretty simple, huh? I will say at least I wasn’t attacked by a bug-eyed, frothing store clerk eager to assist me in any way. I don’t like that technique, and usually ask them to go stand in a corner until I need them. I found the vitamin aisle (well, I should say aisles) and scanned the shelves. Is it me or have we come up with a whole bunch of new vitamins? I remember learning about them in school, but didn’t they stop at K? I swear I saw a whole new frontier of stuff that it looks like I should be taking just to stay alive.
After locating the shelves holding the “C Group”, I called my pal over for some advice. He had been lurking about twenty feet from me and seemed happy that I needed his assistance. He screamed up to me like the Road Runner without the “beep beep”, and asked how he could help me. I said I just wanted a small bottle of vitamin C. He told me I had made a smart choice for a starter. Huh? I stupidly asked what he meant by a starter. You would have thought I had just handed him the keys to the kingdom. He absolutely glowed.
He proceeded to explain to me about beginning a vitamin regimen which would be beneficial to my good health and well-being. He could offer me what he called a “Vita-Pak” which targeted women of my age and would supplement my diet. This kid hadn’t been talking more than a few minutes and already he had two strikes against him. I suggested that unless he had a death wish he might consider removing two phrases from his sales pitch, women of my age, and diet.
After spewing a few platitudes and making things worse by calling me “Madam” (I really wanted to run with that one), I said “Just find me the vitamin C, sonny”. Then I cackled a little. I can do a pretty good Margaret Hamilton. The kid hands me a small box of vitamin C. I immediately turn it over and look at the price. Holy crap! $6.99? SEVEN BUCKS? I looked at the kid who seemed just as astonished as I was and asked him if I could borrow five bucks. The poor kid giggled nervously and suggested “we” look for something on sale.
I said never mind, I’d go across the way and get a glass of orange juice. He said that orange juice was good, but not a continuous source, and I would need more tomorrow. I said I’d take my chances. I began wondering how I could possibly still be alive, not knowing of all these things good for me and bad for me. I decided I must be walking a fine line between life and death. I’d have to investigate these natural food stores a little more. It was while I was strolling past Radio Shack that I started to feel better about my obviously inadequate health program. The guy on TV was saying some poor sucker died of “natural causes”.