Understanding and dealing with rejection

Do you need people to approve you all the time? Wait, don’t answer yet. Do you want people to agree to all that you say or do? Are you uncomfortable with negative feedback? Do you feel rejected when you are not noticed and praised? If you said ‘yes’ to two or more of these questions read on..

Wanting to be accepted is normal. But needing to be approved for everything you do, may not be so. This is a sign of insecurity or low self-esteem. The sign of  a mature, self-confident person is  is to be sure of yourself. To be so sure, that you do not get unduly perturbed by what others think about you. Please understand – I did not say you do not care or it does not mean anything to you – but that you are not unduly worried about what others think of the things you do or say. With that out of the way, let us look at what rejection is and does to a person.

What is rejection? What does it do to your self-esteem and self-confidence?

Rejection is a matter of choice, it is a personal exercise and expression of an individuals choice, based on many factors which may not be a judgement of you as a person. The feeling of rejection is the way you perceive the other persons personal choice. This perception may causes feelings of hurt and other strong emotions like fear, anxiety, depression, jealousy and sometimes even self-destructive tendencies to surface.

The truth is, you cannot force or coerce someone into liking or accepting you. You accept them as they are and work your way towards more social acceptance.

They have their choices, as you have yours. You need not please and cannot please everyone.

Being driven by the fear of rejection is what causes most people to seek approval. They tend to live a life that is heavily dependant on another individual.  This could sometimes mean that they cease to have a life of their own, their personal thoughts, desires, wishes and will become a shadow of the person whom they are trying to gain approval from. To simplify this statement – a person who fears rejection all the time leads an insecure life with a poor self concept or low self-esteem.

A person who fear rejection and seeks approval often loses all sense of individuality and uniqueness that makes each person special, by trying to blend in so much with another persons way of thinking and behaviour.

Constantly depending on the approval of others causes them to be temperamental and volatile in their interpersonal interactions, when things do not work out in their favour.

Any negative remarks or feedback plunges the person into the depths of despair and depression, while positive or slightly favourable feedback causes them to float in the air. The emotional stability of the individual comes unhinged.

Another important and detrimental change is that they slowly tend to loose control over their thoughts, emotions and will. The level to which this happens varies from individual to individual. But the more a  person loses control of his/her own mental and emotional functioning the closer he/she gets to a mental breakdown. This make it so important to be responsible for how you feel and act.

Help to overcome the  fear of rejection and low self esteem

Accept yourself first and the world will accept you later. I have read somewhere that we teach the world around us to treat us the way it does, which I believe is true. So make sure that your behavior and presentation of yourself commands respect. Take personal responsibility for your life.

Approve yourself often and celebrate your little successes. Positive affirmations are the way to go.

Love yourself. A little generosity in the way you think of yourself and treat yourself would surely help.

Develop your potentials and skills so that you feel more adequate and self-confident. Some efforts to develop those social skills that you lack would be essential for a balanced life.

Accept the opinions or views of others about you as their personal opinion and leave it at that.

Talk about how you feel, take help from others. Develop hobbies and interest to channel your emotional energy.

In romantic relationships very often people are in love with the concept of love and the reality or compatibility issues often strikes late, causing a deep feeling or rejection and despair. It would be really wise not to take it personally and view rejection or break up as a personal rejection, it is an issue related to the practical working of the relationship itself. Rejection may not say very much about you as a person, but it may speak eloquently about the practical aspects of the relationship and co-existence.

Let life go on. Rejection does not mean you are no good, it just means there is less compatibility. Continue to do those things that make you feel good. Actively live life.

Not everyone is compatible with you, however good you are and it is impossible to make someone compatible with you. Instead find those people who are like you in many ways and who have positive emotions towards you and try to work a mutually workable relationship with them.

Get a handle on your emotions and try to achieve a balance. Ignore what deserves to be ignored and take constructive criticism as basis for self-improvement.

Focus on the positive. I am sure you know the proverb, A bird in hand is worth two in a bush. Yes, instead of focusing on the negative and feeling low, focus on those areas in which you feel good about yourself and enhance your relationship with people who accept you for who you are.

Do not let rejection or another person’s choice undermine the value of who you are and destroy your self-esteem and self-confidence.